RULE 6: Speaking of punch lines, make sure the last word, or pretty darn close to the last word, is the zinger punch line. No prepositional phrases or other words after that word. Really, I’m not kidding. See these examples of jokes I sold:”A new study has found that the anti-anxiety drug fluvoxamine is effective in relieving anxiety in school-age children. Of course, it’s not quite as effective as getting their braces off.” The words “their teeth” don’t need to be included because we already get it and it would just slow down the joke.”The first bloodless surgery was performed this week in which a kid who is a Jehovah’s Witness got a new liver without a blood transfusion. The parents were so happy, they almost celebrated!” The word “celebrated” is the punch… no need to say “celebrated his survival” because we already get it and it would just slow down the joke.
RULE 7: The “Cuh” sound. A general comedy rumor is that words with the “c” or “k” sound are funny. Who knows if this is true, but ya gotta admit, the names Chuck and Cletus are funnier than Steve and Stuart. (especially if Chuck and Cletus are dating Liz Taylor… no?)
There are many more joke tips, but these will get you started so that people will read your material and you’ll achieve fame, fortune, and timely car payments!
JOKES
I write a bunch of topical jokes every day for radio. . . some of the good ones still don’t make it on for various reasons, so here are a couple of the losers . . . .
–A new study shows the stress of unemployment may hurt the immune system. But, hey, telling people you aren’t working because you’re sick, still beats telling ‘em you’re not working because no one is stupid enough to hire you.
–So according to Sheryl Crow, we’re only supposed to use one square of TP and we should wipe our noses on our sleeves . . .give me the phone book, I’m calling my kindergarten teacher to tell her she was wrong!
–RollingStone.com has listed the top 25 songs to listen to when you’re high. Of course all the words in the 25 songs will sound pretty much the same wen you’re high. . . “go get some food, go get some food, go get some food.”
–A thirteen-year-old was crowned LG National Texting Champion on Saturday after she typed “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” in 15 seconds. Big deal. Put that same teenager in a fast food uniform, stick her in front of a cash register, and watch how she slows down.
–A man is diversifying his wood products business by building caskets for family pets. So let’s see, the casket for my goldfish will cost $10 bucks. . .the plumber to unclog the toilet after I give it the proper burial will be $100.
(the answer is C if ya didn’t guess already!)
–A recent study found that people who are unemployed, versus people who work, are about 150% more likely to be:
A.) Depressed.
B.) Married.
C.) SLEEPING ON THEIR PARENT’S COUCH.
–Cuba’s average life expectancy is 77.08 years, which gives them 11 more years of:
A.) Life over the average person.
B.) Life over someone in the U.S.
C.) TRYING TO BUILD A BOAT OUT OF A CHEVY.
–RadarOnline.com says that “Spider-Man 3” is the most expensive:
A.) Movie ever made.
B.) Graphics ever used.
C.) MOVIE MISTAKE. . . UNLESS SOMEONE DOES A SEQUEL TO “WATERWORLD.”
–Rumor has it the suits at CBS may move Katie Couric into another role after:
A.) The elections.
B.) The first of the year.
C.) THEY PULL THE RATINGS UP TO THE LEVEL OF “TOILET.”